| Every now and then I glance over at the "profile picture" for my xanga site and can't help but realize how true that is about the way I behave. Sometimes I feel like everything I do, all the foolish things I do, are desperate attempts to be rid of the sensation of falling off the earth into cold blue-black space (and so forth). I'm sorry. I fell asleep long after midnight, and woke up at 5am to read a chapter of Dracula and then wander around (and organize my room). I'm horribly restless, and terrified of the fact that I don't even know where I'm going to be in a week, let alone a year or ten years. For Crissake, I don't even know where I'm going to be in a couple of days, but then, I suppose no one does. I just wish I could imagine something about it. It would be nice if I could catch up on sleep... as in, sleep past 5 or 6 am (well, I woke up at 6:45 yesterday, but whatever, hah). Posts that half describe ones thoughts strike me as self-involved and lame (at least, when I post them I feel as if I'm being so). So, moving on. Since I returned home I have: Eaten Taco Bell, watched The Illusionist twice, had Jamba Juice, watched a ridiculous amount of Scrubs episodes with my brother, played with the dog numerous times, sort of unpacked, chatted with Laralyn a bit (sorry I was so sleepy and out of it hun), spent most of a day with Alicia, talked to Eliza and Sarah on the phone, slept... not much, watched Deep Impact with my brother, teased my brother about his painful sounding laugh, had tea at the Queen Bean with Alicia, Joshua, etc., said some intelligent things, done some stupid things, been mean, been happy and giggled (and drank alcohol, with Alicia, bwah ha), and zoned out and read a book my dad bought me and laughed hysterically and cried to about the same degree (both good things, under the right circumstances, as reminders of how much I care about some things, or people. Then again, how much I adore the characters on Scrubs in relation to how much I laughed when Keith and Dr Cox had on the same outfit might mark me as a bit of a nerd, hehe). Oh, and I've eaten several bowels of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios. Yum. I miss Oxford's buildings and its weather and the fact that, in a flat of seven girls (plus other people showing up all the time, haha), I had to make an effort to be alone. I like home, I love a lot of things about home, but I miss my Oxford friends, and wearing a coat all the time, and having an overgrown graveyard to wander through when nothing else seems to calm that overwhelming sense of fear that Holly Golightly was so kind as to dub "the mean reds" (actually, it was probably Capote who actually came up with the term, since he wrote the book...). Now there's no graveyard, no Tiffany's to have breakfast at haha... but I'll be fine. I think I'll give myself a week or so, and then go get a job. Bleck *hates job searching* So it goes... (Regardless of all this, I'm looking forward to a fabulous summer hanging out with and visiting and loving you all terribly, haha... If only it weren't for this blasted jet lag *grumbles*) |
